Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
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My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.