My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
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A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Cardio Made Easy
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.