Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
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I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.