When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
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Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
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I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook