Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
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have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free