Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
You Might Also Like
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk