Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
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“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.