As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
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Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.