IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
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Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward