Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
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I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”