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He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
The Sun
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Catercrombie & Fish
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.