I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
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Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
technically true but not a great slogan
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!