realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
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Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
how it started vs how it ended
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*