USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
You Might Also Like
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid