Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
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Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably