Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
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A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Print is alive and well!!!
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*