The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
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[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Gods work.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??