thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
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Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate