[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
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Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud