I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
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Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”