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Me)PRINT
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Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.