[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
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I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk