A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
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FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Me trying to reach for my goals
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three