If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
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5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]