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looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
an octopus is just a wet spider
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.