*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
You Might Also Like
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.