BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
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Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.