why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
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Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
what
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
some Old Testament wisdom
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles