When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
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2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive