I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
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I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.