If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
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rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
good for her
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.