Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
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gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Saturday
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…