[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
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Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Midwest trash talk
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it