I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
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Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”