I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
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The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Lmao
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings