Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
You Might Also Like
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.