[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
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Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.