So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
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Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Why does laundry happen to good people?
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car