“Why you watching this shit?”
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Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
❤️❤️❤️
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’