Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
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When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
So that’s what we looked like?
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.