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*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.