It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
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Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
it was love at first sight
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.