Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
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What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
let’s discuss
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
doing some research