*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
You Might Also Like
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit