Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
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Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Seems kinda suspicious
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?