Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
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Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.