[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
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Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…