Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
You Might Also Like
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.