Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
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I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
The old gods are rising again.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.