Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
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ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.